Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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