Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
there is glitter all over my balls
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
