Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
