Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
