It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
