You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
