Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
