i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
