she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
