i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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