he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
