If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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