So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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