after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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