I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
