You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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