and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
