I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
