Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
