Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
