haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
