Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
