I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
