I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
