I'm so fucking centered right now
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
