WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
