so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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