I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
