he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I sprained my soul last night
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
