My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
