I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
