her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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