i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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