the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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