my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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