The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
