Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
