Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
