Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
