Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
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