She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
