walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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