i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
