I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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