you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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