I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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