dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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