I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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