i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
