On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
