BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
