Your dad touched me again.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Randomize
