My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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