I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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