everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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