He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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