it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
