I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
