all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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