I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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