I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
